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morning

(, Sun 22 Oct 2017, 1:22, Reply)
alright

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:04, Reply)
Mano

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:15, Reply)
dozy

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:20, Reply)
as in
'you dozy cunt'
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:30, Reply)
Bit rude pal, this is a family forum.

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:42, Reply)
i'm not your pal, buddy

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:44, Reply)
Charming.

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:55, Reply)
Get bent

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:16, Reply)
do i have to?
i'm a bit tired
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:20, Reply)
Oh, nah, you carry on mate

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:23, Reply)
cheers pal
next time, yeah?
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:26, Reply)
Yeah, sure. I look forward to it.

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:40, Reply)
Here we go!

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:21, Reply)
^ superstar DJ

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:23, Reply)
1,000 Homo DJs, more like.

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 22:53, Reply)
i just couldn't look at that shit anymore

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:25, Reply)
Me, you mean

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:51, Reply)
u shldnt put urself down like that bbz
xox
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:59, Reply)
My kids want kfc, they ain't delivering at the moment, I'm caught between a rod and a fireplace as the saying goes

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:39, Reply)
have just eat not got a sufficiently good fried chicken place near you?
or are they all about those 11 herbs & spices?
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:43, Reply)
I've ordered a curry , sod em

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 20:17, Reply)
Get Morrisons to deliver some frozen sfc and then microwave it, it's the exact same thing.
I assume, I don't eat that sort of thing
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:46, Reply)
you don't eat cocks?
pull the other one
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:50, Reply)
I don't do that either I'm afraid.
Tend to draw the line at bum fingering
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:55, Reply)
I'm sure you don't, your wife wouldn't let you

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 20:18, Reply)
Turns out she's having pregnancy cravings for KFC so I've just got back from the drive through

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 21:35, Reply)
My best bit of pregnancy is when they say they want something, then they don't and the fact that you've been near makes them feel sick

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 21:55, Reply)
Yeah I'm getting a bit fat from eating all the stuff she said she wanted half an hour ago but then changed her mind

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 22:38, Reply)
#fattoo

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 23:20, Reply)
When my missus was pregnant, she'd just get tired and sleep a lot.
I got the best part of 9 months in which to drink beer and play Playstation to my heart's content. It was ace.
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 23:30, Reply)
I can't imagine KFC travels well.
I tried one of those double down things; it was a bit soggy and a mess to eat. Idea better than the execution.
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 22:25, Reply)
Seems too, I've had it before

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 22:33, Reply)
alright

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 20:12, Reply)
Dearest b,
I'm sweet, hope this find you well

m

x
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 20:19, Reply)
I bought some chilli and lime peanuts.
I normally love chilli and lime but these aren't doing much for me at all.
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 22:27, Reply)
well that's one for the diary, eh

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 22:31, Reply)
is this a chris morris thing on radio 3 right now?

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 22:51, Reply)
Making myself a nice crisp sandwich
Anyway so there i was - a snowman on the roof. ""Help! Get me off this blinkin' roof ya galaar!"" ( I was influenced heavily by Alf Stewart in those days)

When my teacher (Jermaine Pennant) comes strolling round the corner and takes one look at me. 'Why are you on the roof mr snowman?' he bellows at me.

I give him a cheeky wink and reply 'because Carol Vorderman is a whore!'

How irrelevant!
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 16:37, Reply)
^prime minister of Wakistan

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 16:44, Reply)
your training wheels are almost off now

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 16:45, Reply)
i don't know how to tell you this
but they're not making the mighty boosh anymore
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 16:45, Reply)
Lol

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 19:05, Reply)
prick

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 16:47, Reply)


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(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 16:47, Reply)
is that a pixel slitheen?

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 16:48, Reply)
Harry Potter is shit

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 17:03, Reply)
10 points from Hufflepuff

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 17:18, Reply)
fucking muggles

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 17:27, Reply)
Gremlins is shit

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 17:45, Reply)
The only sticker album I completed as a kid

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 18:23, Reply)
You fucking wanker

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 17:11, Reply)
You fucking stupid fucking cunt

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 17:22, Reply)
You are a horrible person, worse than a Jew and I want you to kill yourself.

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 17:31, Reply)
Alright, Skagra.
Bit late to change your shtick.
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 17:38, Reply)
1993 lads' magazines called.
They told you to shut the fuck up, you stupid wanker.
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 18:00, Reply)
Get bent you fucking shitcunt

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 18:21, Reply)
as a child and preteen I remember waking up Saturdays as if by instinct around 5-6am to watch cartoons on tv. all day.
morning
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 9:15, Reply)
I'd quite like it if my kids could take themselves downstairs of a Saturday morning, and amuse themselves,
so that me and the missus could amuse ourselves.
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 9:40, Reply)
Woah, you used the word 'preteen'
As if by magic spanishfly will appear
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 10:01, Reply)
You called

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 12:13, Reply)
I get up to get it on.

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 11:47, Reply)
I've just been down the Post Office to pay my leccy bill
so it's shaping up to be a rip-roaring Saturday so far.
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 11:53, Reply)
I've fitted in the new washing machine and chivvied the kids through a good chunk of their homework.
Lunch beckons, then Pokegym.
God, my Saturdays are exciting.
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 12:07, Reply)
I'm on my way to the pub.

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 12:20, Reply)
i'm chalking today up as a write off
and getting twatted
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 15:31, Reply)
Hello
I'm really old now. How old are you.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 23:02, Reply)
I'm 12 years old and what is this?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 23:09, Reply)
Go to bed

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 23:11, Reply)
As old as the skies and the seas

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 23:14, Reply)
I would say consult the spreadsheet but it's now hopelessly out of date

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 23:16, Reply)
I'll be 42 next week.
I'm looking forward to lots of clever references to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on my social media, it's going to be hilarious.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 23:46, Reply)
haha remember to take your towel hahaha

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 0:09, Reply)
you must remember to remind us by posting here on /talk again next week
we are sure to forget otherwise
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 0:20, Reply)
Such a cool frood.

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 6:49, Reply)
o/

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 0:20, Reply)
14 and autism

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 6:46, Reply)
Euthanasia
When I was younger a local neighbourhood kid had caught autism. This manifested itself in him being terrified of dogs. He was loathe to trust them and found them abhorrent.

One summer day he was out playing with a broom when a Greyfriars Bobby wandered over. The boy became energetically unusual. Crying. Spinning round and round. Slapping his head Babbitt style. Hilarious.

His mum decided this was the perfect chance to cure him of autism and told him ""don't be scared. He's harmless. Stroke him.""

With the old autism instantly fixed he confidently ruffled the dogs hair and called it a good lad.
The dog wasn't having that and bit him on the guts.

Disaster. It cranked the autism back up to eleven. Instantly lousing up the kids chance of ever going to a normal school. Sensing this, the young chap hit back. By hitting back. He punched the dog right in the heart, embarrassing it in front of all of us.

So autistic children and dogs. There is good and bad on both sides but it's rarely ever the children that get put down. Fuck you John Majorr.
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 16:22, Reply)
my name is jacob dyer and i live in bristol. it is fantastic. i sound like barnaby bear. i like barnaby bear. one time he went to france. i went to france. but some kid burnt my neck. i didnt like it.

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 16:31, Reply)
^beat me to it

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 16:32, Reply)
43 tomorrow

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 15:32, Reply)
Lol

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 18:10, Reply)
snuffle

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 18:46, Reply)
hello

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 19:07, Reply)
So, I've been accepted as a volunteer blood bike rider, got to go in and see them next week.
If I see that the blood is for you I would definitely piss in it.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 19:07, Reply)
You get to ride one of those orange and yellow ones?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 19:13, Reply)
I dunno yet. I think so yeah.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 19:24, Reply)
Cool, it's a nice thing

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 19:54, Reply)
Yeah, I reckon it'll be fun and give a bit back.
My dad was saved by a blood biker getting to the hospital on time a few years back and I always thought about doing it.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 19:58, Reply)
When are you on-call for that or whatever?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 19:55, Reply)
That's what I'm going in to talk about.
What sort of shifts i can cover etc.
Looks to be sort of 7pm to 7am through the week and daytime weekends.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 19:57, Reply)
Fair enough, not *that* disruptive then.
I do on-call in this job but have gotten called out about 4 times in about 6 years so was pretty lax with it.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 20:10, Reply)
Pint of O negative,
and be quick about it. And some chips, if it's not too much trouble.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 22:14, Reply)
sons of silence wouldn't take you, then?

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 0:13, Reply)
Beer time

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 19:15, Reply)
Rich

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 19:56, Reply)
Hi Dozer I am going to have a drink tonight
Would you like to join me? I am offering the olive branch
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 19:59, Reply)
Two men enter, one man leaves

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 22:55, Reply)

, one man leaves each other
(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 1:05, Reply)
Fondle The Wombles

(, Sat 21 Oct 2017, 15:44, Reply)
i'm a bit bored so i'm gonna head off early today
have a good weekend folks, see you on monday
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:45, Reply)
Ok no probs we'll cover for you, have a good one

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:49, Reply)
l8rz m8

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:50, Reply)
Bloody part-timers!
haha, no you're alright. Have a great weekend, pal.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:50, Reply)
I'm well thanks,
Sorry I didn't respond earlier, it's been a bit busy.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:14, Reply)
That's ok
glad to hear it
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:16, Reply)
How are you mate?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:19, Reply)
Yeah, I'm alright
Be happier if someone wanted to buy my house, but there we are
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:23, Reply)
still nothing?
Brexit jitters m8
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:24, Reply)
I think you're right there

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:27, Reply)
You're probably right
I'm not alone. There are a bunch of house round here that have been for sale for ages now.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:41, Reply)
sell it on
pleasebuymyhouse.com
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:25, Reply)
*subscribes*

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:41, Reply)
I'll give you tuppence ha'penny.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:26, Reply)
pervert

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:27, Reply)
that's 11p in new money!

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:41, Reply)
11p lol

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:42, Reply)
I just typed out a reply you delolting bun

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:48, Reply)
sorry pal, just decided it wasn't 'forum friendly'
forgive me x
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:50, Reply)
ps 'delolting bun' lols

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:50, Reply)
Fuck .

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:56, Reply)

F B
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 17:25, Reply)
Rabbit filter enabled

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 17:38, Reply)
haha ^tggi

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:49, Reply)
I was considering selling, but after speaking to my brother who is going through it,
I have decided to sort the bathroom and just stay
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:35, Reply)
There are loads of pros to staying where we are
I dunno. I just don't want to live here anymore, is the long and short of it.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:42, Reply)
That's the only reason you need.
You're always welcome at my place.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:49, Reply)
Thx m8 x

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:49, Reply)
Have a good one, squire.
I'm leaving a cheeky 10 minutes early as well.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:52, Reply)
I will be here waiting

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:54, Reply)
Ok mate, see you Monday.
Hope it's a nice weekend.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:14, Reply)
Juicer time

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:14, Reply)
Going dahn The City for a few in a bit

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:51, Reply)
In the market?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 17:03, Reply)
starting at the Lamb and ending god knows where
It's my pal's assistant's 30th so there will be shenanigans
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 17:26, Reply)
Is that the one in Leadenhall Market?
Decent boozer, that, if memory serves.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 17:31, Reply)
That's the one
Nearly had my wedding party there actually. It's where I met my wife
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 17:36, Reply)
That's where I met her..oh hahahaha

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 18:05, Reply)
Tidy.
I had many an after-work pint in there when I worked on Fenchurch Street.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 21:21, Reply)
godspeed

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:15, Reply)
+ two trips

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:20, Reply)
Lift yr skinny penus like antennas to heaven

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 16:50, Reply)
how has the 13% increase in radical islamic terror affected your day to day life?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:39, Reply)
Dunno, but my watch is fixed, won't be able to get it till Monday tho
Dear Sir,



It is with pleasure that we are e-mailing to advise that work on your watch is now complete and as such it is now ready for collection
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:40, Reply)
i'm just happy it's fixed and that ordeal is now behind you x

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:41, Reply)
It's great news, all free of charge and I'll get the travel case, bag and polishing cloth thrown in

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:45, Reply)
oh thank god
sending love
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:42, Reply)
They really are great at customer service,

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:47, Reply)
the weekend's back on, guys!

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:47, Reply)
the thing is you can always have more kids but some of those watches are really special

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:49, Reply)
I don't want more kids but I do want more watches, I think that speaks for itself

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:52, Reply)
I never leave my home
and call the police if anyone darker than Noel Fielding walks past the house
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:42, Reply)

anyone darker than
l
n
past
u
r
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:49, Reply)
lol, Noen Fielding

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:00, Reply)
you should join a club, try and meet people just like you

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:01, Reply)
Not a bad idea
I'll check the notice board next time I'm at the church
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:09, Reply)
Not sure of the exact percentage but my masturbation levels have increased enormously

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:42, Reply)
Hmm, mine have risen a little, actually
Wonder if that's significant
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:42, Reply)
it's possible that the two of you have synchronised
y'know like blobbing birds do
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:48, Reply)
typical man

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:52, Reply)
I have increased my racism by 13% to match this

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:45, Reply)
I'm the good guy with a suicide vest that will somehow prevent massive casualties

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:46, Reply)
my suicide vest is in the wash

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:52, Reply)
I keep my tabs in the sleeves of my suicide vest, like a jihadi geordie

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:53, Reply)
+ master

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:01, Reply)
No fatwa chicks

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:11, Reply)
Mohammed brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like...

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:27, Reply)
I'm pitching an idea for a sitcom called Allah, Allah
Light-hearted comedy set in ISIS-held Mosul. Mohammed runs a small cafť where Resistance fighters, Imams, suicide bombers, solders and escaped journalists interact daily, ignorant of one another's true identity or presence, exasperating Mohamed.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:48, Reply)
You stupid unclean woman!

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:48, Reply)
Featuring the Madonna with the Big Sufis?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:50, Reply)
You can see her *blush*
eyes!
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:02, Reply)
this is almost as good an idea as heil honey, i'm home

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:51, Reply)
Sorry mate, I think Kevin Bishop already beat you to it

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:54, Reply)
is he the one who did star stories?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:56, Reply)
Yeah
and he was Jack Hawkins in Muppets Treasure Island, fact fans
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:58, Reply)
I'm taking this fact all the way to the bank

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:10, Reply)
the MONEY bank?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:24, Reply)
What connects Money, Wank and Piggy?
No, not our last prime minister, it's BANK!
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:26, Reply)
Oh, that's clever

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:28, Reply)
Ah no, not quite
www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sdUSLDDtEU
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:57, Reply)
oh, I see

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:59, Reply)
On the plus side, that extra 13% for the same price gets me an average of three extra washes.
On the downside, the slightly larger bottle takes up more space in the bathroom cabinet.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:48, Reply)
Tits - mainly tits.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:48, Reply)
gnarly Islam is down 3%

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:53, Reply)
surf's up, mohamed

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:55, Reply)
I've accepted the grace of Allah the merciful,
and resolved to punish the infidel in his name.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:59, Reply)
that's great, baby :)

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:01, Reply)
good for you, we're never going to achieve the mutual destruction of western society if people keep talking britain down

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:02, Reply)

ﭑ ﭒ ﭓ ﭔ ﭕ ﭖ ﭗ ﭘ ﭙﭚ ﭛ ﭜ ﭝ ﭞ
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:10, Reply)
I've always wanted to go up BT tower
didn't have being thrown off the top for ungodly activities in mind tho
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:14, Reply)
no sense of adventure

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 15:48, Reply)
If you repent on the way down you float

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 17:52, Reply)
5/7
www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-41687028
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:22, Reply)
hey come on show a bit of respect, doves' body is barely cold yet

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:25, Reply)
4/7 :(

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:26, Reply)
Alright doves.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:30, Reply)
alright

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:38, Reply)
2/7 yesssssss

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:28, Reply)
1 up from my usual 4.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:28, Reply)
As an employee of the BBC, I'm not allowed to undertake this quiz.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:28, Reply)
Too busy bumming little girls?
That's what they do at the BBC, so The Daily Mail tells me.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:28, Reply)
I didn't read a single question and just smashed answers as they loaded and got 3/7
So fuck you.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:28, Reply)
Are you having your period?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:29, Reply)
I'm not having a nice time.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:29, Reply)
Sorry to hear that
it's nearly the weekend though, is that a cheering thought?
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:34, Reply)
Yes.
I am very much looking forward to this weekend. I'm going to go look at motorbikes. There is a ZZR I quite fancy if I can knock a couple hundred off the price
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:36, Reply)
Used to steal them, nice bikes

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:42, Reply)
Wind's been eyeing up that ZZR for a couple of weeks now
they look rather tasty.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:49, Reply)
Yeah, I've already been over there once, but it was off getting an MOT so I couldn't try it.
Had to have the fork seals and front brakes done and a new rear tyre apparently.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 13:03, Reply)
Are they easy to steal, it's only parked behind a warehouse on an industrial estate?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 13:02, Reply)
Old ones used to be, them and cbrs

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 13:07, Reply)
I think even the modern cbr aren't hard to take.
The wiring doesn't go under the Seat like most modern bikes and I think you can pull the alarm fuse and just start with a screwdriver if you can break the steering lock.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 13:13, Reply)
I'm on the straight now, you won't lure me back twocing

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 13:26, Reply)
All modern Hondas have engine immobilisers don't they?
You'd need to fit a new ECU to ride it away.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 13:27, Reply)
Quizzes are for fucking wankers m8

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:29, Reply)
You should be brilliant at them then!!!!

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:30, Reply)
haha, good one Windy!!

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:31, Reply)
Sure showed him

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:36, Reply)
Classic!

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:36, Reply)
Question 1
Are you a creepy internet stalker?
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:34, Reply)
Alright Mike, calm down yeah?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:36, Reply)
5/7 tho

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:59, Reply)
6/7 GET IN YOU FUCKIN BEEEAUTY

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:30, Reply)
anything less than perfection is a failure, ma8te

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:57, Reply)
two poo

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:31, Reply)
+baby I lo-ove you

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:31, Reply)

and shitpur

worst hiphop documentarryzzzzzzzz
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:34, Reply)
Well, now that's out of the way
I'm going to take one of the many copies of Big Issue that have collected under my desk and read it while enjoying a leisurely dump.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:37, Reply)
Ooh, an interview with Randy Newman
very pleasant
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:48, Reply)
RANDY POO-MAN, MORE LIKE!!!!!

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:54, Reply)
You're getting the hang of this now...

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:59, Reply)
4/7
"Sterling Work"
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:37, Reply)
Hi m8

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 13:03, Reply)
I asked you how you were earlier, and you failed to respond
The only thing that worries me, is that this could out me as being a whiny little bitch, as american teenagers used to say in the 90's.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 13:31, Reply)
omg i thought u were a girl

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 13:46, Reply)
no u r

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 13:47, Reply)
guuuuurl, you whack

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 13:52, Reply)
mmm-HHHM

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 13:52, Reply)
hey hey hey

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 13:45, Reply)
"Going broke" 3/7
Still, I actually knew two of them. Makes a change.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 13:35, Reply)
I knew the first two and got all excited thinking I was in for a good score
but then it all went dreadfully wrong and I don't know how to handle the upset, might kill myself
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:07, Reply)
But you have so much to live for!
You never know, next week's quiz might be better!
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:09, Reply)
Good call, I'm pretty damn excited about next weeks quiz now :) :) :) :) :)

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:30, Reply)
That's the spirit!
Man, I'm BUZZING about next week's quiz!
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:33, Reply)
Strikey-g Z -> M, lol

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:36, Reply)
haha, you rascal!!!

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 14:38, Reply)
And now when I say week, you say end
WEEK
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:26, Reply)
end

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:29, Reply)
WEEK

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:33, Reply)
END

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:37, Reply)
woooHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
YEAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:39, Reply)
*amusing strikethrough, illustrating that you are, in fact, saying BELL END*

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:29, Reply)
haha! that would be *mental*

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:33, Reply)
that's you all over, mate! lol

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:33, Reply)
haha, you got that right!

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:34, Reply)

s ying
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:35, Reply)
eh?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:36, Reply)
"you are, in fact, a BELL END"

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:40, Reply)
Out for beers tonight
Kid tomorrow night, mums up for lunch Sunday. Beef will be roasted.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:34, Reply)
this sounds cracking

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:34, Reply)
innit doe

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:35, Reply)
Cracking on roast pork, m8, not beef.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:39, Reply)
"Richard McBeef From The Internet Gets Spit Roasted..."
says the Sunday Sport.

Further down the article

... joint out of the oven and on the table to be perfectly ready at the same time as roasted pots and Yorkshire puds."
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:19, Reply)
hello richard

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:34, Reply)
How's it going, The Doveston?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:35, Reply)
nah, I'm good

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:35, Reply)
SAY IT

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:36, Reply)
SELECTA

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:41, Reply)
<s>K</s>
lol wee
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:43, Reply)
lol

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:46, Reply)
BEND!
oh no, i fucked it up
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:50, Reply)
Hahahahahaha

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:52, Reply)
you seem to be over-delivering on your shitness quota lately

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:58, Reply)
Exceptional. Bravo

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:04, Reply)
haha you are a week bender hahaha

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:56, Reply)
ha

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:56, Reply)
my secret shame

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:57, Reply)
RIIIIIIIICE
and peas.


RIIIIIICE

and peas.

BOGLE BOGLE.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:06, Reply)
It certainly does look like a
WEAK END doesn't it?
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 12:20, Reply)
balls

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:00, Reply)
thank god, something sensible

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:01, Reply)
brew a coffee and say balls
a guaranteed good start to any day.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:04, Reply)
YEAH

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:11, Reply)
I declare good times are in the pipeline

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:14, Reply)
I'm feeling VERY positive about this

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:17, Reply)
Yeah, but be careful not to get mixed up and say coffee and brew your balls lol

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:42, Reply)
I am sorry for thinking you were female
But you canít be offended by things if you werenít a little bitch.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:23, Reply)
haha
ok, now I have NO idea what you're talking about
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:29, Reply)
Well I thought you were a female
Because you are a little whiny bitch
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:36, Reply)
Bouncy?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:05, Reply)
meaty, beaty, big and bouncy

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:06, Reply)
great record

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:22, Reply)
Bucky balls.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:06, Reply)
bucky egg

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:06, Reply)
Buck Rock

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:07, Reply)
Buck Norris

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:08, Reply)
Uncle Buck
Wait...
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:14, Reply)
Shut your bucking face, Uncle Bucker!

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:16, Reply)
careful now
this is a family forum
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:16, Reply)
Buck Rogers

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:16, Reply)
Bucker Jenkins

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:24, Reply)
Bucker's Luck!

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:25, Reply)
BUCKLIFT!

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:33, Reply)
lol

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:35, Reply)
\o/

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:36, Reply)
lol

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:37, Reply)
FP THIS NOW

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:39, Reply)
morning balls

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:17, Reply)
BIG SCHWEATY FOKKEN BALLSCH

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:23, Reply)

BALLSCH PRAWNSCH
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:26, Reply)
anyone got any hot takes i can put on twitter?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:26, Reply)
I've got some in the oven now

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:29, Reply)
Fanny bum bot benny frot gake shite man butt mon shitter, more like

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:36, Reply)

Alright, Postman Patois.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:42, Reply)
wah gwan

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:51, Reply)
Jess Rule

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:03, Reply)
I like it when she swears and then says biscuit

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:06, Reply)
I for one can't wait for the Star Wars VS Star Trek crossover movie

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:43, Reply)
"Use the Force, Jean Luc."

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:57, Reply)
summat about trump probly

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:48, Reply)
donald trump, I mean

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 10:51, Reply)
who?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:25, Reply)
american reality show guy
he keeps saying stupid things on twitter. He's well LOL.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:28, Reply)
No, but i can warm it up in the microwave if you want.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:10, Reply)
McDonnell

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:11, Reply)
Cool

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:14, Reply)
SUCK ON MY CHOCOLATE SALTY BALLS...PUT EM IN YOUR MOUTH AND SUCK EM
Remeber when South Park was the shit.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 11:24, Reply)
morning has broken...
I have today off work. Unexpectedly. What should I do with my time?

Kill myself?
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:50, Reply)
Do something you enjoy

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:53, Reply)
Get your Christmas shopping done.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:03, Reply)
My wife also has the day off
It's already interfering with my routine. At least she's taking me out for lunch today, so not all bad.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:06, Reply)
Hello new person

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:41, Reply)
And I didnít realise there were any same sex marriages here
Well done to you both
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:42, Reply)
you are VERY clever, you know

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:42, Reply)
I am VERY confused.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:43, Reply)
Genuinely thought you were female

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:43, Reply)
I guess

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:08, Reply)
It's my wedding anniversay today, Dollars
What about THAT, eh?
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:11, Reply)
Last Sunday marked six months since I got married.
That's gone super fast
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:12, Reply)
Wow, six months??
That has gone fast
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:13, Reply)
Blink of an eye, bro -
blink of an eye...
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:24, Reply)
13 years up in here
20 years as a couple. Make of that what you will.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:39, Reply)
Right so are you male or female?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:42, Reply)
why does it matter?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:44, Reply)
For the wank bank

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:45, Reply)
oh right

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:45, Reply)
The wanky wanky wank bank?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:58, Reply)
My wife had the shocking realization that she'd been with me for over half her life.
That was probably last year, maybe before, but she really should have gotten out when she had the chance.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:46, Reply)
Yeah, likewise

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:47, Reply)
congrats!
celebrate with an egg
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:13, Reply)
I sure will!
and thank you
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:14, Reply)
Might have a wank to celebrate

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:14, Reply)
OG's

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:15, Reply)
Congratulations to you.
Commiserations to Mrs Hats.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:18, Reply)
SHE DOES ALRIGHT
cheers
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:24, Reply)
She's a wonderful woman and I want only the best for her.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:35, Reply)
how kind

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:40, Reply)
Steady on, either you're making out that TH is the undisputed best or that they should divorce

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:40, Reply)
If everything that Two Hats has said about her is true,
I will forever hold a candle for her.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:43, Reply)
Actually, this sounds really creepy.
Like Richard Herring's obsession with the Corrs.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:49, Reply)
That's ok
You have my blessing
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:49, Reply)
Great.
I shall build a shrine to the Lady Hats, and stick pins in a woollen effigy of the Man Hats.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:57, Reply)
ok, too far

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:58, Reply)
Poop

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:45, Reply)
I tried to be nice, Windy
How are you today?
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:50, Reply)
Morning.
The Tube is apparently going to start using facial recognition and vein scanning to determine whether you've paid your fare, as a replacement for Oyster cards and ticket gates. Not sure how they're going to stop you boarding if there are no gates; presumably a baton round to the femur.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:07, Reply)
Second morning thread hello
(feel like I'm cheating on dozer now)
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:11, Reply)
I thought you two had an open relationship anyway.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:13, Reply)
We decided to fast-track the relationship and begin with a trial separation
it worked well.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:23, Reply)
Fair enough so.
Get all that messy relationship nonsense out of the way right at the beginning and get on with the serious business of being separated.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:27, Reply)
I have to say
it's going swimmingly.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:38, Reply)
dunno I drive to work

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:41, Reply)
Who cares, I'm off to Alderney
www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-guernsey-40940531
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:46, Reply)
It's cheaper than Lisbon at this time of year.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:54, Reply)
You love a bit of camp.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:57, Reply)
The channel islands have got a weird mix of laws, I'd find out first what the punishment for public masturbation is

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:59, Reply)
I think they lock you in a giant wicker sculpture and set fire to it.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:02, Reply)
<s>sculpture</s> cock and balls

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:07, Reply)
Like the Brazen Bull, but it transforms its victim's screams into a symphony of guffing.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:10, Reply)
something about Terry Christian

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:49, Reply)
RIS

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:52, Reply)
Wait, he was on The Word
I meant the other one. Jools Holland.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:59, Reply)
cracking start to the day from you, here

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:00, Reply)
It can only improve, right?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:02, Reply)
surely?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:11, Reply)
Yeah, well, I still don't get it.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:14, Reply)

This.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:17, Reply)
Ah, right.
Ta.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:20, Reply)
something about Amanda de Cadenet

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:17, Reply)
Wait, she was on The Word
I meant the other one. Paula Yates.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:18, Reply)
lol

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:21, Reply)
No, it could get worse LOL!

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:59, Reply)
He's let himself go

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:01, Reply)
Err, like, basically.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 9:01, Reply)
Morning chaps!

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 6:54, Reply)
Curb your enthusiasm.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 7:32, Reply)
Alright monster munch, how's life?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 7:55, Reply)
Alright, I guess.
Sorry your thread has been double stomped.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:56, Reply)
Don't ignore the ladychaps
mornings for women!
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:03, Reply)
What about the benders? They're the middle ground between chaps and ladies.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:09, Reply)
The gender equivalent of No man's land?
I think you'll find that's an inaccurate description.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:11, Reply)

I'm fairly sure that the lezzers occupy 'no man's land'.
(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:12, Reply)
Like protective dykes?

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 8:22, Reply)
hiya, just having a shit
3 or a 4 on the bristol stool chart i reckon
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 20:58, Reply)
4/7
could shit better.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 21:02, Reply)
amen brother

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 21:09, Reply)
Alright doves, I'd like to know what Victoria Moser preferred, but it's another dream question

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 21:13, Reply)
hi mongs
dunno who that is tbh
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 21:54, Reply)
I don't know how to take this

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 21:59, Reply)
Veronica, ffs

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 22:00, Reply)
i just looked her up on my work laptop
hth xx
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 22:10, Reply)
She was a pioneer

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 23:09, Reply)
wipe until nothing remains

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 21:23, Reply)
no amount of wiping can remove the skidders on my soul

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 21:56, Reply)
alright
very soz if I did not say good morning to you if you replied to me this morning, I had to go out, please put this on the popular page so nobody misses it, and also because I haven't been on the popular page in ages, and I live for the recognition, quite frankly
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 21:50, Reply)
no

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 21:56, Reply)
Can't

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 22:01, Reply)
yessss :-D

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 22:35, Reply)
well, you know some of us might live for a bit of recognition in the morning thread
*sniffs*
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 22:39, Reply)
7am eternal xxxxx

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 23:00, Reply)
This new KLF material is a shit re-hash of their earlier work.

(, Fri 20 Oct 2017, 7:28, Reply)

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