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This is a question I didn't do it

Chthonic wants to know about awful, terrible things you have definitely never done. But secretly have. Confess!

(, Thu 15 Sep 2011, 13:16)
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Dad
You know that time when I was 8, and I used a can of black spray paint to spray my own name and that of the cousins who' been to visit about a week beforehand then, when you found it and asked me about it, denied all knowledge of?

That was me.

And the time that same summer when the old Morris Minor and even older Triumph Herald that were rusting on the tarmac outside the house, which you hoped you'd one day fix up, when some mysterious phantom that definitely wasn't me poked holes with one of your screwdrivers in the leatherette and smashed a few dials in? Well, that was also me.

Though, not being an idiot, you knew that perfectly well, but found my early attempts at lying hilariously funny. I'm not much better at it today, you may be happy to hear.

Strange. I only ever seem to write about my dad on QOTW...
(, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 17:37, Reply)
Not me Guv
I certainly didnt even entertain the thought of buying a jazz mag in Soho after work, late at night, and of course didnt slip it out of its plain brown cover on the tube home and decide to have a crafty one off the wrist at it's contents...oh No sir, not me!

And the guy in the next carriage didnt see me either
(, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 17:30, 7 replies)
The truth fairy
I certainly didn't get so drunk a couple of nights ago that I stumbled into bed without remembering to retrieve my daughter's tooth from under her pillow and replace it with a shiny coin "from the tooth fairy".

I also didn't panic when her little face fell in the morning, and quickly make up some story about fairies being on Fairy Time, which is different from our time, so that I could make the switch while she was having breakfast.

Oh, sorry for any readers who didn't know that it was your parents all along. Spoilers!
(, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 17:00, 8 replies)
I was invited to see a guest lecturer at university
but when he started his lecture by telling us that there 650,000 different species of insect known in the world, I did not make an aside rather more loudly than I intended saying "Well, that's wrong for a start."

If I had, and the poor chap had heard it, he might have flinched violently and give a hunted look to the room, and then begun to blush and stammer and whisk through his slides at some speed, at one point losing track completely to a room full of increasingly unimpressed undergraduates.

And then I might have felt bad about it for years afterwards.

But I didn't. So that's a relief.
(, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 16:57, 4 replies)
We were young and didn't really have a grasp on mental dissabilities.
I'm sure everyone as children had a late teens retarded kid living in there area?! well our one was called Neil, we would hang around the local park where Neil would wander asking "where's the doggy" in a high pitched excited manor, now as kids at the age of about 13 this was hilarious, and we would tell Neil where the doggy may be, off he'd go on his fruitless mission searching for the make believe dog, after about 5 minutes he'd come back asking again where the doggy was, but even more excited, obviously buzzing off the fact that we were laughing our heads off and he felt a part of this juvenile gang, now feeling like he belonged to the gang his excitement levels were going through the roof, literally frothing at the mouth, at this point someone decided (definitely not me, i SWEAR) to try and get Neil to chase our weedy mate, which he did, with great excitement, he managed to catch our weedy friend, he just roughed him up in a heavy handed retarded manor, now this not being enough and Neils excitement being now at fever pitch, someone shouted (again not me) "Neil chase him with your dick out", Neils head almost exploded and couldn't get his cock out quick enough, shot off like Usain Bolt, the weedy kid scared for his virginity slipped on the grass as he tried to get away and dived on by Neil, cock in hand, and got the dry humping of a lifetime, now me and my other friends are experiencing new levels of hilarity that we never thought existed, while the poor 13 year old weedy mate is getting the life dry fucked out of him by a 6 foot 19 year old retard, and again, let it be said, it was definitely not me who instigated the dry hump or what now would be commonly known as exploiting a mentally disabled person.
(, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 16:26, 25 replies)
My favourite.....
"We didn't burn him"

Pure class.
(, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 16:20, 6 replies)
I used to work
for a guy who was generally despised by his workers.

I didn't let down the tyres on his bike everyday, because sometimes I wasn't quick enough to get there before my other, vengeful, colleagues.
(, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 15:56, Reply)
Work From Home
I did not decide to work from home yesterday because the one other person in my office was not going to be in.
I did not, therefore, get up at 9:30, go to the cafe next to my flat for breakfast, and then spend the day playing on my xbox and reading the book my dad lent me at the weekend.

But if I had, it would have only been because last wednesday I was up at 2am finishing off a lesson plan and task files for a course running the next day my boss told me I would be running with no time to prep... and got fab feedback on by the way.
(, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 15:16, 5 replies)
I was going to pay for it ... !
Signed,

R Madeley
(, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 14:59, 6 replies)
When approached by a street survey bod
The other day and asked to take part in a survey about what personal grooming products I use, I didn't reply.

'You know the usual, sweets, puppies & facebook'
(, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 14:14, Reply)
15-year-old boy staying in a nunnery
On a family holiday to Italy once in my teens, we spent a night in a convent full of lovely nuns. Obviously I didn't bash the bishop that night; that would be an affront to God, and just plain wrong. Sperm is sacred to those Catholics, so I certainly didn't leave any of mine on the sheets.
(, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 12:55, 3 replies)
All true
I definitely didn't tell lies on the internet about doing a sex in rude ladies... or indeed anyone, ever.

Except that one time when I did yo momma.
(, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 9:55, 8 replies)
Cool it, man.
I never arranged cooling for a stuffy office one hot summer by pumping liquid nitrogen slowly onto the floor. I didn't get through 200 litres of the stuff per day for a two week heatwave. And I certainly didn't make sure that this waste of expensive cryogen was booked to the metallurgy department next to the engineering department for which I worked.
(, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 9:11, 59 replies)
Adventures at the Large Edam Collider...
I take my job very seriously. So whilst running experiments at a large, complicated and expensive synchrotron light source, I have never leant over the safety gantry to see whether the liquid nitrogen line was properly connected. I have certainly never done this whilst holding a partially unwrapped Babybel cheese in my mouth. This would then imply that I have never, when asked whether the nitrogen was in place, opened my mouth to say “yes”, thus dropping the cheese down into the beamline.

Had such a thing occurred, however, I would have dealt with it professionally and responsibly and not lain on the floor, giggling like a lunatic for the next 15 minutes.

When the world is finally annihilated, not by war, or the nefarious tactics of a rogue scientist, hell-bent on destruction, but by an overtired muppet with a penchant for mild cheese, it certainly won’t be me to blame...
(, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 8:41, 8 replies)
The time: winter of 1994.
The place: the I-225 bypass highway arcing through the eastern suburbs of Denver, including the sprawling wasteland of Aurora.

The situation: driving a friend home from a small gathering before turning the car south and heading to my dwelling in Colorado Springs.

Winter storm conditions were in effect, and I was especially pleased with my standard policy of keeping snow tires year round on my daily drivers; even with the treacherous conditions outside, the small wagon I was driving exhibited no tendencies to kick the rear wheels out or exhibit that frightening floating feeling you get just before you realize the steering wheel and brakes have become mere suggestions instead of control inputs. I had taken the exit connecting southbound I-25 to the northbound 225 loop, and was descending from the "up and over" ramp towards the actual highway lanes, which arced northward along the curve of a shallow slope before taking a long time to merge: the lane itself takes nearly 3/4 mile to finally taper out.

As the lane began its gentle narrowing, I noticed an excessively aggressive driver approaching quickly along the same merging ramp. The driver was using the shoulder area to squeeze past traffic with inches to spare. As traffic was already moving close to the posted limit despite the impending whiteout conditions, I silently thought to myself "that jerk needs to take a break before (s)he hurts somebody." As the driver began passing the front bumper of my shitbox, I goosed the throttle and planted the front corner of my bumper cap squarely behind his rear wheel. Continuing to accelerate, I steered into the offending vehicle to counteract its natural tendency to push my car back to its normal path. I suddenly felt no resistance, and lifted the throttle while carefully correcting the wheel to return my car to its original course. The other vehicle enters a graceful, unrecoverable slow spin, arcing across 3 sloping lanes of traffic. The other drivers have exhibited astonishing prescience and cleared the path, allowing the uncontrolled car to continue its arc and come to rest in the median, which has already become a snow filled trough, with a barely audible "fump". Traffic resumes its pace and the lanes form up normally.

Through all this, my passenger has not said a word. She suddenly utters, "what rotten weather: let's listen to some music" and inserts a CD into the dashboard player. Chris Rea's "Driving Home for Christmas" softly fills the cabin and I am overjoyed to discover this friend is that rarest of automobile accessories: the perfect passenger.

As I was never contacted by the authorities regarding that particular incident despite there being a full score of witnesses to the altercation, I'm guessing everyone else felt it never happened.
(, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 5:21, 18 replies)
Jugged
I didn't attend an interview and assessment day while wearing a jacket hiding a very tight top and a wonderbra. I then didn't remove the jacket halfway through the maths assessment, as this would have given me an unfair advantage over at least 50% of the other candidates. I have also never used similar tactics to get free bike maintenance.
(, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 20:27, 44 replies)
I definitely never...
used to dip my lodger's toothbrush into the little pool of piss he used to dribble on my bathroom floor and never clean up. I also didn't use his clean shirts to do said mopping up before putting them in the ironing basket.
(, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 17:58, 1 reply)
Trucks
I have never given a random truck driver a blowie.

I have never accepted the offer of a cab driver who was driving me to a club, to give HIM a blowie.

I have never farted while bending over to strap on a pair of killer heeled sandals in a busy shoe store.

I have never forced a guy I was 'seeing' to eat pineapple so I might find out if it really DOES alter the taste of his man-spunk.

I have never been with a woman AND a man in the same day...sadly, not at the same time. :(
(, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 17:51, 10 replies)
blasphemiously yours
I have definitely not just signed the inside cover of the bible in my hotel room "all the best, God"
(, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 17:50, 3 replies)
I didn't piss on an enormous black guy's feet
Retrac's post reminds me of something that didn't happen at Woolwich swimming pool in my early teens.

Having finished a swimming session I retreated to the male changing rooms. At this point I became aware that I needed to urinate quite badly, but being nice and cosy in my towel I couldn't be arsed to trek across the changing rooms to the frankly disgusting toilets.

Looking down I noticed the channel built into the floor that allows the water to run off into the drain. I was pretty sure that I was in the end cubicle and that any urine I deposit onto the floor would run directly into the drain so I relax and let flow.

I watch fascinated as the stream of piss makes it way to the right under the cubicle wall. Then I start to get a little concerned that my logic might actually be flawed. I bend down to follow the stream further only to see it pooling with devastating effect around an enormous pair of feet in what is obviously a neighboring cubicle.

I immediately stop pissing and start preying that the guy next door doesn't look down. He does.

"WHAT THE FUCK!"

The guy starts hammering on my cubicle door and I think he's about to knock it down. Reluctantly I open it.

Enormous outraged gentleman with dreadlocks and a tiny pair of speedos (shouting aggressively in what sounded like Jamaican patois): "Did you piss on the fucking floor?"

Me (cowering): "No, in fact I just watched it come trickling down from one of the cubicles further up"

I don't know why but he seemed to accept my story and took his argument up with various other people changing in the same row.

Have you ever seen those people on variety shows who are masters of the quick change? Well they had nothing on me that day.

I was changed and out of those changing rooms before he could realize I was the phantom pisser.

I lied to save my life. It feels good to confess after all these years.
(, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 16:49, 4 replies)
I never did
wank in the steam room at the public swimming pool, leaving a sticky mess on the bench behind
(, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 13:35, 10 replies)
Phones ex
Dear ex-girlfriend

You remember that time that I was working overseas, and I was really keen on trying Phone Sex? And you eventually got over the giggles and we had a go?

Well, turns out it wasn't as good as I expected. And I was tired. So I faked an orgasm.

I felt dirty afterwards.
(Actually, that was the best bit)
(, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 13:17, 2 replies)
When I was at university I definitely didn't trip over the blind girl's guide dog as I went around a corner, sending me and the dog sprawling
I also definitely didn't pick myself up and run away without saying anything afterwards.
(, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 11:05, Reply)
Ok ok ok
Thanks QOTW, a chance for me to come out of hibernation and make a post.


Anyone who usually reads my posts on here will remember that I am a director of a transport company (Hence the long time since my last post - I’ve been trying to get business in – sodding recession).

One bad thing about my line of work (Being the main descision maker for the firm) is the cold callers and annoying salespeople that seem to bug me every single hour of the working day. Some callers take it on the chin and a simple sorry not interested may mean a call back a few months down the line but nothing too annoying. Some people, especially the commission based scrotes seem to think that you have to take their time no matter what.

One such little cockface was a bloke called G, he seemed to try and catch me all the time and despite my efforts to tell him to sod off old G would always be there to annoy me. A polite but firm usually gets rid of people but this one had it in for me for some reason (My guess is that either the commission could be potentially good or he worked for someone who really hated me).


Anywhoo one day after conducting a bit of business at my local pub (ahem) in walks G! I was speechless and could barely contain my look of annoyance as he sat across from me and gave me the whole business prattle. As I mentioned I am used to conducting a bit of business in a casual setting but this was ridiculous. G’s night ended with him slumped in a corner feeling like death and me buggering off on another job.

Now here’s the” I didn’t do it (but really did)” part that ties in with the QOTW- a number of stories have passed round since that meeting and despite numerous attempts from certain people to make me sound like the innocent one(Especially a beardy little fucksock who shall go unnamed for now) I actually did shoot first. Sorry Greedo.


(I know, Im going to get back in my box………)
(, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 10:59, 1 reply)
Mate of a mate
There is a mate of my mates (they all went to uni together) who no-one seems to like, yet he's still everyone's mate.

Whenever he goes on holiday, he will always talk his way into staying the night before at whoever lives closest's house. Whenever he stays at someone's house, he will always - and I do mean ALWAYS - piss the bed.

And he will always deny it was him. even though he almost always sleeps alone.
(, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 10:28, Reply)
When I was 8 or 9
I was in Edinburgh Zoo, and with the footballing skills of someone with two-left feet, kicked a stone, as young boys will. Like a speeding bullet ready to prove Murphy's Law, it hit some woman right in the shin. She was facing the other way, and turned instantly with a pain-struck look on her face to look where it came from - i.e. at me. I knew, and I knew she knew, that she knew I'd done it, but she evidently felt she couldn't come over and slap a young boy, though the look on her face when she turned round suggested that she'd really wanted to. I tried to pretend it hadn't been me, but it wasn't fooling anyone.

I've felt bad about this for twenty-five years.
(, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 8:12, 12 replies)
Just remembered this one:
I didnt accidently spill a whole coffee over a pregnent womans beachtowel while she was swimming in the ocean.
I also then didnt run off to leave it there completely fucking up all her clothes and towel.
(, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 7:16, 1 reply)

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